Tag Archives: love

His Love Story

I was at a car wash at an off peak hour and while getting my car wiped down, one of the workers very politely came over to ask for a photo. I gladly obliged. He walked away and moments later he approached me and said, “Mam, can I ask you a question?” I replied, “Sure!” and looked at him expectantly.

He averted my gaze, lowered his head, licked his lips and looked like he was mustering the courage to ask what is now the question. He paused.

I grew increasingly curious about what it was he wanted to know that was making him so awkward.

“Mam, what does a woman look for in a man?”

I was stumped into silence. It was a simple question yet not so simple. I couldn’t answer straightaway because I knew it wasn’t about me. It was evident that he was probably hoping to find answers for himself. In other words, he must be having doubts or problems in his relationship.

Sure enough, after I blabbered something about the importance of communication, having someone who can understand me…he asked, “If you love somebody but always quarrel, does that mean it’s not the right person?”

Now it was my turn to pause. I didn’t want to respond because it wasn’t in my place to and more importantly I didn’t want to give him any (misleading) ideas.

He went on to share that he is going to get married to his ex in a month’s time, but they have been quarreling a lot. This morning before he left for work, they had a quarrel again. He is stressed up at work and he is stressed up at home. It appears that they fight over the smallest things.

I was moved by how truthful he was about his feelings and how he was hoping to improve the situation. I felt a warmth from this stranger, who was pouring his heart to me. He was reaching out to me in an effort to help himself.

I guess his wife-to-be might be feeling the same way on the other end. But he will never know and neither will she because they aren’t talking to each other about it. They probably can’t even broach the discussion without arguing about something else first.

Now is his marriage doomed before it even started? Is that why so many couples either don’t talk to each other anymore or end up in divorce?

“Do u remember what it was like when the two of you were dating?” I asked him.

He nodded, lips curved up in a faint smile, eyes searching the sky. It seemed like he was trying to recall moments, maybe specific incidents that made them both smile.

“When we are happy we laugh a lot, but now we just keep quarreling and I am so stressed. I love her, but if we always quarrel then maybe we should just be friends.”

My heart sighed.

Sometimes you just forget to be nice to each other; sometimes you become so used to being irritated with one another that even when one party tries to be nice, the other blindly reacts in a negative way; sometimes couples get caught up with daily tasks, to-do lists, family decisions, that they forget to love.

Everything in life becomes ruled by KPIs. We familiarise ourselves with “how to achieve”, “when to complete” in every aspect of our lives. But love has no must complete date. There is no end or finish to it. And because of that, it is easy to put it aside.

It’s like one morning you are in a rush and u didn’t kiss your partner goodbye. The next day your partner woke up late for work and didn’t kiss you goodbye. Each day pass with something that requires both your attention other than that kiss, then weeks, then months, and before you know it, a new habit has formed. What started off as seemingly  justifiable neglect becomes the beginning of the end of affection.

Love is not what needs to be done. It is not made up of acts. A kiss can be just as empty if there is no love. What I mean is when we focus on the practicalities of life, neglect sets in. We become careless with the way we speak, we become calculative, we become stingy with our affections. We find excuses like “it’s natural that the honeymoon period is over”, to justify the deterioration of relationships; we blame the other person for starting it.

It’s not easy for two people to get together, it is even harder to stay together. But like the saying goes, you can drag a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.  It takes both to cherish the rare union and make the effort to keep the romance alive.

When I told the stranger who asked, that I look for a man whom I can communicate with and understand me, I didn’t mean to be generic, I firmly believe that is the foundation to having a fulfilling relationship.

And it starts with listening.

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爱要耐心等待

不经意的情感或许是最真实的。

偶尔听到熟悉的歌曲,会让我想到某一个人和当时爱上这首歌和他的滋味,可能是甜蜜的回忆,可能是可惜的悔过,反正心中的火焰已经不由自主地在闪烁。

我很怀念谈恋爱的感觉,这个话题,我依稀记得曾经提过,而这种感觉有时比较强烈,有时却被其他的事情掩盖。我不知道这是不是大部分女生的心态,还是我已经落伍了,事业是排在感情之后。总觉得有爱情的女生会散发妩媚,会散发光彩,会积极面对每一项挑战。或许那是我吧,谈恋爱的时候,感觉很完美,尤其是被爱人宠,被爱人疼,更是天塌下来我也不怕。

我记得以前和一位好同学谈过,他当时还单身,认为理想情人是一个聪明能干的女生,能和他一起成长,能互相激发彼此精益求精。后来他找到了,在一起一段时间后,因为性格不合,分手了。他跟我说了之后,我想我们的理想条件或许不能成为感情的基础吧!我可以说希望自己的另一半是个有智慧,孝顺,体贴的男人,不过这些条件太肤浅了而且也随时可以反咬我一口。

太聪明的男人会不会整天象老师一样管教我,责备我的不是好激发我进步,为了让我改进而强调我微不足道的地方?心里委屈,却又说不过他,因为他有道理。

太孝顺的男人会不会因为尽责忽略我的感受?因为做孝子的理由充分而冷落我?不能怪他,心里却又不好受。

太体贴的男人会不会把关心变成占有欲强的借口?喜欢他保护我,珍惜我,可是又不要他干涉我的生活习惯,朋友喜好。

以上只不过是比例,毕竟我本人没有所谓的择偶条件,很多时候我是靠感觉。说不上为什么会喜欢他,他的优点嘛,又不算是独一无二,不见得其他男人没有同样,甚至比他更好的条件。所以喜欢他的话还蛮莫名其妙的!

哎,谈恋爱不容易,因为一切都要靠彼此衡量,才能走长远的路。”蜜月恋爱“之后的初期或许难熬,但是我相信经过坎坷的路,才能继续牵着手,一起走下去。

有一首歌《对的人》歌词很贴切。

愛要耐心等待 仔細尋找 感覺很重要
寧可空白了手 等候一次 真心的擁抱
我相信在這個世界上 一定會遇到
對的人出現 在眼角

Good things are worth the wait

母亲节前夕的感触

我曾经说过要四个孩子,可是最近这个念头有些动摇。或许是每天报章里都提到物价上涨的趋势,又或许是一天我在银行看见了一个宣传广告提到现在的大学学费在十年后会起到双倍的事实,经济上的能力是个很残酷的考虑因素。

结婚,生育,养育孩子的话题最近一直在我身边环绕着。除了阿姐和阿哥的婚礼之外,我前两天为了i周刊的一个故事,访问了权怡凤大姐,她也跟我分享自己身为母亲的一些感受。

在加上我刚刚看完 “My Sister’s Keeper”,而且看到最后,眼泪簌簌留下。当时在化妆间,大家都被我吓到,以为发生什么事。哎,我就是这么投入剧情,深深的感受到故事里身为母亲的那种挣扎和痛苦。她为了救大女儿,和丈夫生了个designer baby,目的就是要利用妹妹身体的资源,来维持姐姐的性命。你能说她错了吗?后来妹妹决定起诉父母,要求medical emancipation,因为她不想在让医生利用她的身体了。母亲以为她自私,以为她对女儿们的想法和感受了如指掌,可是她究竟真的懂吗?还是她只想安抚自己是个尽责的母亲?

妹妹需要捐出她的肾脏给姐姐。姐姐身子弱,可能得到肾脏后也未必会活下来,可是得不到就肯定活不久,而妹妹又可能会遇到生命危险,到底要让谁去冒这个险呢?两者都是自己身上的肉,你可想像这是多么痛苦的抉择?

她拼命在为女儿的生存烦恼, 千辛万苦,可是却发现女儿如此不珍惜生命,那种打击又如何?

如果自己的女儿已经脑死, 而唯一在帮她呼吸的是一台机器,在关掉它的那一刻,算不算是亲手结束女儿的性命呢?

读到这里,我真的忍不住了,因为我心里是痛不欲生的。

母亲节的意义重大,因为在把孩子带到世界的那一刻,她早已牺牲自我。

这两位身穿黑色汗衫的就是宝宝的父母。

祝天下的母亲,母亲节快乐!